Listening with empathy

        Empathic Listening means being willing to listen solely to understand what your partner means and feels - not to judge, rebut, advise or contradict. Instead of hearing only part of what is said, guessing at the remainder and immediately beginning to frame your reply, you need to silence your critical voice and focus entirely on what your partner is trying to tell you. For a moment, it's as if you become your partner, achieving in the process a high degree of intimacy.

          The greatest impediment to empathic listening is our self-interest and self-protective mechanisms. We listen for what is of interest to us, we listen for things that enhance or affirm our position or qualities, and we listen for openings to jump back into the conversation, to relate our own views or experiences. This is natural enough, but it is a barrier to intimacy. There is no way that your response can be helpful or make sense unless you've first truly understood what your partner actually meant.

---excerpt from: Lori H. Gordons & Jon Frandson(2000) Passage to Intimacy, Revised.

pdf document: Listening with Empathy

Art of Listening

          We tend to be passive listeners, picking up only on those things that have some direct bearing on us rather than listening for how things are for our partner.

          Like leveling, listening with empathy is a learned skill, not something we develop automatically. The two crucial ingredients are:

Undivided attention
Never assume that you know something unless it is clearly stated by your partner. Always ask for clarification if you are not clear on something or if you find yourself filling in blanks for your partner.

Empathy
You need to understand fully what your partner thoughts and feelings mean to him or her. Resist the instinctive response to search for the effect that your partner's words have on you. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Notice his or her emotions, facial expression, levels of tension. Feel what your partner feels.
 

excerpt from: Lori H. Gordons & Jon Frandson(2000) Passage to Intimacy, Revised.

pdf document: Art of Listening

Active Listening Skill

Let's look at the six skills that Hoppe says contribute to an active listening repertoire:

No. 1, Pay attention. One goal of active listening is to set a comfortable tone and allow time and opportunity for the other person to think and speak. Pay attention to your frame of mind as well as your body language. Be focused on the moment and operate from a place of respect.

No. 2, Withhold judgment. Active listening requires an open mind. As a listener and a leader, you need to be open to new ideas, new perspectives and new possibilities. Even when good listeners have strong views, they suspend judgment, hold their criticism and avoid arguing or selling their point right away.

No. 3, Reflect. Learn to mirror the other person's information and emotions by paraphrasing key points. Don't assume that you understand correctly or that the other person knows you've heard him. Reflecting is a way to indicate that you and your counterpart are on the same page.

No. 4, Clarify. Don't be shy to ask questions about any issue that is ambiguous or unclear. Open-ended, clarifying and probing questions are important tools. They draw people out and encourage them to expand their ideas, while inviting reflection and thoughtful response.

No. 5, Summarize. Restating key themes as the conversation proceeds confirms and solidifies your grasp of the other person's point of view. It also helps both parties to be clear on mutual responsibilities and follow-up. Briefly summarize what you have understood as you listened, and ask the other person to do the same.

No. 6, Share. Active listening is first about understanding the other person, then about being understood. As you gain a clearer understanding of the other person's perspective, you can then introduce your ideas, feelings and suggestions. You might talk about a similar experience you had or share an idea that was triggered by a comment made previously in the conversation.
If you apply the six skills required for active listening, you will not only be known as a good listener. You will become a better leader as well.

source:  http://www.ccl.org/Leadership/podcast/transcriptthebig6.aspx